August 21, 2012

Things have definitely been up and down. Some days I feel like I can get through this and then I wake up and have a horrible day. The mornings have been the hardest. I am so sick in the morning and it takes a while to get out of bed.

July 22, 2012

Today has been a tough day. I had a horrible headache and my arm went numb and my vision got blurry. I've been down today. I keep trying to be strong. I know things will get better and I'm just having a bad day. I just get tired of trying so hard.
I'm not anxious about anything anymore except the anxiety!! Now these symptoms are with me everyday. I just want to be happy!!

I know I will be eventually.

I'm so grateful for
My son who loves me so much
My daughter who loves me so much
My husband who I love and who takes care of us
My parents
My sister and brothers

I know with time Ill heal. I am just weak today. Tomorrow will be better.

July 20, 2012

Things have been getting better. I have been having better days. Still have problems in the morning but once I get going I feel better. I'm not sure why I am worse in the morning. I feel like I have to have things to do all day but it is getting better.

I am so happy to be home with the kids. I love being with them. I love that Brody is on summer break and gets to be home with me. Kalynn is getting so big and I she loves her mom and I love her.

Brody spent the night at Kaylas today. He waited all day for her to get off work. He is having fun. She has a boy next door that's 7 and he is playing with him. I'm glad he is having fun.

I'm glad I'm getting better. I'm so thankful for the good times. I am SO thankful for them!

July 6, 2012

Today was a good day. I woke up feeling good. I was happy and not depressed. We had breakfast and went outside to play. We played in the water for about 3 hours then we had lunch and came in for a nap.

Shane went to get the jeep licensed. Brody has a friend upstairs playing and Kalynn and I are watching tv.

Doug and Jodi had their baby today. 8lbs 13oz. Big baby. His name is Bradyn William Hickman. They named him after dad.

July 4, 2012

Today was a good day. Got up and went to mom and dads for the carnival. Brody won a fish and was so excited. Tomorrow were going to get rocks for our tank. Kalynn got her face painted and she loved the kitty jumper.

We went back to moms and ate lunch and the kids played in the pool. It was fun.

Then at 630pm we went to our friends house. They made wings and then we watched some fireworks.

Our kids had lots of fun.

I had a pretty good day. Thought about anxiety a lot. But my symptoms weren't so bad. I could feel it in my chest but not all day.

I know I'm getting better. I will get over this and tomorrow ill be great!

July 3, 2012

Wow. I haven't written for a while. Things have been crazy. I love being home with the kiddos just worry about money now. Things will be ok though.

My anxiety is not gone yet. I still feel it everyday. Mostly a tingling icy hot feeling on the inside of my chest. My head always feels weird. I feel out of it. I find it hard to focus. I am extremely tired all the time. I have a really hard time in the mornings. I don't want to get out of bed. The anxiety is hard in the morning.

I guess I just worry about what to expect for the day. Try to keep busy so I don't think about how I feel.

I worry the most about going back to work. Sometimes I feel fine and think Ill be ok if I go back to work but then I start doubting myself.

Ugh and depression - oh man I've been depressed at times. It comes and goes especially around my time of month!!

I know Ill get better. Time heals everything. Things will be ok. I'm on the right path.

June 9, 2012

So much has changed. Im slowly getting better everyday. Anxiety is still there and today I had to take a xanax .25 just to take the edge off. I was up worrying about a video I am making for the neighbor and got no sleep.

I have to remember the good days though and not let my bad days get me down.

I was layed off of work. They knew I needed a break so I took the layoff. I love being home with my kids I just wish I felt 100% better so I could enjoy it more.

I know Ill start to get better. I'm actually sleeping now. No more diarrhea or nausea. I feel it sometimes but not every day.

My mom starts a new job Tuesday. She is getting nervous. I'm hoping she does well. I know she will. She does well at everything she does.

May 14, 2012

I didn't sleep well. I took a benadryl but felt I was tossing all night long. I woke up nauseas and had diarrhea 2 times. Waking up nauseous gives me anxiety.
Today was bad. i was depressed and about 2pm I got really bad. I had to leave work at 3:30 crying.
I hope I'm not getting depressed!!

I took a xanax .25 @ 5pm to calm down.

May 13, 2012 Mothers Day

Shane got me out of bed and we went to applebees for lunch. Then we went for a ride in the mountains. It was a great day. I love my kids and husband so much. They mean everything to me. I wish I was better or get better soon so I can be myself again and give my family 100% of me. I feels o tired all the time.

May 12, 2012

I woke up and Shane had already gone to work. I had the kids by myself. I wasn't anxious about it but I was nauseous and I had diarrhea. I twas horrible. I was dry heaving. We layed around all day. I was really depressed. Shane came home and I took a xanax and went for a walk. I came back to relax. The anxiety wasn't that bad but I just feel depressed. I'm sick of feeling like this.

May 11, 2012

What has happened? Today is Friday. Thursday was such a good day. I felt wonderful all day. I started thinking that I was good. I had to take Brody to urgent care and we found out he has strep throat. But I was ok. 

Friday I woke up with diarrhea and I had a stomach ache. My head felt weird. I have pressure and feel like I'm dizzy. My ears feel like fluid could just poor out of them. I feel like I could just cry.

I went to my chiropractor today. He did some work on my neck and it felt better.

I came home and stayed in the the tub. My head hurts. Maybe I'm getting sick to. My eyes feel weird. I feel like I have to think about things more. Like I'm forgetting things. Its harder to think.

Please God - tell me Ill have more good days. Please just tell me this is just a bad day!!

How can people function like this all the time? I definitely look at things differantly. You have no idea what someone is going through in their life. Things are tough. We have to be happy. Stay Positive. 

Everything will be ok!!

May 9, 2012

I had a good weekend. I quit taking the adrenal fatigue supplement and it seemed to help me feel better.

Monday was pretty rough. Came to work anxious and had a meltdown. I took a xanax at 1pm and felt better. Actually slept monday night great.

Tuesday woke up feeling good. Mild anxiety but did ok. They cancelled Brodys baseball practice and no one told us so we sat in the parking lot for a while then finally got a hold of the coach to hear it was cancelled. She forgot to call me so then my anxiety was pretty strong. I couldn't sleep until 2am. I woke up feeling so sick. I took a bath and went to work.

Wednesday pretty on edge all day. I think its the fear of anxiety that bothers me because I really don't know what else could be bothering me. I just want to be normal again!

May 4, 2012

Today was weird. It was hard to concentrate on tasks, I felt kind of dizzy, not really together. I had a moment for about 30 minutes where I felt good. I went to the park and walked around for 30 minutes. I had a hard time eating. We had chili and cornbread for dinner. I found out from Dr. Holmes that some of the supplements I was taking was effecting the buspar. She said to stop taking the supplements and see how I do over the weekend. If I dont feel better, she wants to up my dose.

My head feels foggy and weird. I just want to be happy again. I want to be me and not be scarred of this.

I got home from work and played outside with the kids. Kalynn and Brody love to be outside.

We watched the movie we bought a zoo and went to bed.

May 3, 2012

I've been anxious today. I woke up feeling good but this day at work has taken its toll on me. Im trying to ignore my symptoms my arms hurt (upper arms) and I get a burning sensation in them. I get flush in my face and feel out of it. Almost like I'm in a dream. I've had diarrhea 3 times today.

Brody has baseball tonight. I am excited to watch him play!

Brody did so good playing baseball. He played 2nd base. He did good batting, running bases and playing in the field. I was so happy. He had fun. And I sat through the game even though I felt like crap and wanted to run.

I felt mild anxiety going to bed. I took a benadryl and fell asleep around midnight. I woke up feeling bad. My heart was racing, my head was dizzy, really hot tight feeling in my chest. I was nauseous and had diarrhea 2 times so I sat in the tub. Then got ready for work. I started feeling better after I took my buspar at 9am.

May 2, 2012

Felt good today. Eyes bothered me but not as bad as usual. My head still feels weird. Kind of foggy. But I try to focus on other things and it goes away. I made a yummy dinner. Steak, potatoes, corn, asparagus and onions. 

We signed Brody up for baseball today. He is excited. His first game is tomorrow.

I took my Buspar at 8:30pm and went to bed. Took a benadryl at 9:45pm. I am kind of anxious tonight. Not sure why. I'm ready to sleep though. I finally went to sleep around midnight and Kalynn woke up so I brought her to bed and we both fell asleep.

May 1, 2012

Woke up late. Probably because I actually got some sleep. Doing good so far today. Brody called me from Ms. Shirleys phone to say hi. Made me happy. Kalynn has been so funny lately. She points to me and says my mommy and she points at Shane and says, my daddy. They both are getting so big.

I had a pretty good day. My eyes bothered me all day though. Very dry. I left work @ 3:30pm and went and had a 50 minute massage. So wonderful. Then I came home, made dinner, got the kids bathed did laundry and put the kids to bed. I took a bath and not its off to bed.

Woke up at 1am with a really intense panic attack. Took some deep breaths and it calmed down in 10 minutes. Went back to bed. Woke up feeling ok. Had diarrhea again.

April 30, 2012

Woke up tired but no stomach ache. No diarriah! Thats usually the first thing when I wake up.
Took the kids to daycare and now Im at work. Had a good morning. I just have tension in my head. Went to rubios and had 2 fish tacos and 1 street taco.
12:50pm my shoulders started burning. I can kind of feel the anxious knot in my stomach. My head feels light and my eyes burn. Around 3:pm I started getting anxious and emotional. I am so tired I just want to sleep. I feel like I have a good day and then it goes bad. But good thing is Im having more good than bad.

I took 1 benadryl before bed and had a good night. Slept more than I have been. Woke up feeling good.

April 29, 2012

Woke up somewhat anxious. Went to a yoga class at 11am. I did not like it at all. I cant move like that. Id rather punch something to relieve my stress. I went to the grocery store and got stuff for dinner. Came home, cleaned out the car, did tons of laundry. Scrubbed the bathrooms and got the kids ready for bed. I did good all day. I just have pressure around my head. Its from my tension. Had a pretty good day though. Couldnt sleep. Took .25 xanax and was up until 2am. I think I slept for an hour and then woke at 4am. I am so tired.

April 28, 2012

Woke up around 8:30am. Had oatmeal and took my Buspar medication at 9:30am. Feeling ok so far.
Had a good day. Went with Brody, Shane and Kalynn to the Super cross races @ Rice Eccles stadium. I think I thought so much about if I was ok. But it was a good day. Layed in bed with Kalynn and fell asleep. Got some sleep off and on. Definitely better. No xanax.

April 27, 2012

I didnt sleep very well. About 11:00pm I took .5 xanax. I kept having shakes and it felt like chills throughout my body. I kept feeling tightness in my throat. My head just was thinking of a million things but Im not sure what. I finally went to sleep after the xanax but woke up at 7am with horrible diarriah again. Went back to bed.

Thankful

Im so thankful for:

2 amazing kids
My husband! He is the best and has been so supportive and wonderful
My mom and dad who have been there for me thru all of this.
My sister, brothers and Cheyann
My grandparents
My job and the people that help me thru this
People at daycare that take care of my kids while Im at work
God and Jesus

April 15, 2012

My husband decided to get me out and start a project. We planted a garden in the backyard. It took a lot of hard work and I cried a lot because I felt like crap but we got it done.

I went to my grandpas house today and he gave me a blessing. It really comforted me.

April 27, 2012

Felt ok today. Not great but ok. I have a tight feeling in my throat and chest. My head feels weird. I dont have a headache and Im not dizzy but I feel off a bit. Hard to explain. I can feel myself getting better. Just wish I was 100% already. I hate feeling like Im going crazy. I hate feeling like Ill never be ME again. I just have to give it time. I know Ill be ok sooner or later.

April 26, 2012

I really didn't have a lot going on at work. I did ok until about 2:00pm. I had a major anxiety attack. So I went fora  walk. I cried to my mom on the phone. When I got back I felt better. I did not take a xanax to go to bed. I slept till the rain woke me up. Went and slept with Brody in his bed and slept ok.

April 25, 2012

I had a great day today. Even people at work could tell I felt better. Still a little on edge but manageable. I went for a 30 minute walk and drank lots of water. Shane went with me to my doctor apt. with Dr. Moore. She did another therapy session with me. I got a lot out. She went over my blood work results. A lot of my levels were low so I got a bunch of vitamins. My vitamin D was really low. I had a good night. Couldn't sleep though. I was thinking about everything we talked about in therapy.

April 24, 2012

I had an ok day today. I felt the anxiety all day but it was manageable. Around 2:00pm I went for a 30 minute walk because I felt really bad. I took .5 xanax at 9pm and slept so good!

April 23, 2012

I went back to work. I had a good day. I drank lots of water. I felt the anxiety all day but around 3:00pm I finally broke down. I went for a walk around the block and cried the whole time. I came back and felt better.
I couldnt sleep again. I had .5 xanax but it didnt work.

April 22, 2012

I couldn't sleep so I tok .25 xanax @ 1:30am. I had a bad day. I sat outside with the neighbor for a long time crying and just feeling hopeless. My whole body hurts. I feel unreal.
I woke up Sunday morning @ 3am with shots of adrenaline shooting throughout my whole body. This lasted until 6:30am. It hurt so bad and it scarred me.

April 20, 2012

This has really been the worst week ever.
Today was a horrible day. I took a bath and couldnt get out for 3 hours. I didnt want to face life and for some reason the warm water made me feel better. I had a doctors apt with my OB scheduled and I knew I had to get out of the tub and get ready. I had to go get the car seats from Shane so I could pick them up from daycare when I was done.
I finally got myself ready. I drove to Shanes work. I was starving so I grabbed some McDonalds and was able to get a couple chicken nuggets and sprite down.
I got the car seats and came back home. My mom was waiting at my house for me because she was going to take me to the doctors. I walked into my house and fell over crying so hard. My heart ached, my body ached. I was so scarred but not sure of what. I kept worrying about getting the kids from school and them seeing me like I was and not being able to take care of them because I wasnt sure what was going on with myself.
My mom took me to my OB apt and everything went well. She calmed me down. She knew I didnt want to be on medication because of my reaction to Celexa but she gave me a prescription for Buspar which was an anxiety medication that you take everyday. She told me it would help so I went and got it.

April 19, 2012

I had a horrible day. Sat in bed all day just shaking. Took a 2 hour bath to try to feel better. I couldnt sleep at all.

April 18, 2012

I called into work and took the rest of the week off. I was having horrible anxiety, diarriah, nausea and I couldnt eat anything!

April 16, 2012

I went and had my back adjusted by my chiropractor. He said that it was pretty out of whack and I shouldnt have waited so long to see him. I cried and cried. He asked what was wrong and I told him how I had been feeling. He gave me a hug and told me that he deals with anxiety all the time. He said he totally understood what I was going through and promised me that it does get better!!
Dr. Moore gave me a prescription for Xanax to help me sleep at night. I went and picked it up after the chiropractor and started feeling really weird when I left the store. My eye started seeing these weird zig zag lines and I freaked out. I had been to the eye doctor before for this and they told me that they were optical migraines. I couldnt read the directions on the medication and had a hard time driving home. I got home and took 1 xanax and went to bed. I slept pretty good but woke up feeling HORRIBLE!!
I got the kids to school but had to go home. I was so tired and had horrible anxiety. I sat in the tub all day long until Shane came home and took me to get my heart ultrasound done that I had scheduled for that day. Dr. Moore thought she had heard a click in my heart which would be Martrial Valve Prolapse. The technician at the hospital doing the ultrasound said that it all looked ok though.